I Fought With God

It’s been a week and a day, but on the 20th of October, 2020, I fought with God.

It was not our first fight. Over the course of my life and as with every other kind of relationship I have, we had had fights. I would tell him how mad I was with him and he would humour me in the weirdest way in the course of my day, in a way that I knew that it could only be him. Sometimes, he would try to tell me something and I would fail to listen, do it my way, get burned and sulk to him. Then he would calm me down and assure me that he got my back without saying “I told you so”. It was our thing.

However, this was the motherload of all fights because I felt my soul tear into pieces when I fought with him.

In the days leading up to the 20th, our relationship was already somewhat turbulent, especially as I continued to take in everything that was happening and is still happening in Nigeria. I wondered where he was.

I cried out…and now that I think about it as I type, I want to cry some more…I cried out to him, searching for him, wondering where he was, wondering where he has always been, wondering why he hadn’t done something…anything! Surely, a father would rush to the aid of his children who cried out to him? Surely, he would. Surely he would eventually give some respite to some of his children who had suffered for decades at the hands of a few wicked, wicked, heartless, wicked men?

But my father was nowhere to be found. Mine was silent. Mine was absent when I and millions of others who looked to him needed him the most. How could he see everything that was going on and let it go on? How could he let injustice continue to be the order of the day? How could he watch as wicked men continued to go scott-free, not bearing any repercussions for their wicked actions? How could he not make sure that the curses that had been placed on these wicked few manifested in their lives? How could he watch as these wicked people rub their wickedness in our faces? How could he watch in silence as innocent people who just want to live a better life and want a change, were shot dead? How could he be silent when people continue to live in poverty and watch their hopes and dreams crushed? How could he watch as innocent little children are being sold as slaves or forced to work in mines all day long in the most deplorable of states? How could he let the evil in the world happen? Most of all, how could he be silent when he knew that he was and still is all we have?


Was this what he meant by praise him in the good and bad times? Because which kain bad times be this one?

At some point, I felt stupid, I did. Because what was I expecting? The heavens to open up and he would swoop down and fight for us or part elegushi beach into two so that we could walk through to freedom? No, maybe I was expecting that he would wave his hand and all the wicked, evil, heartless politicians would drop dead at the same time. Really, what was I expecting?

And so I grappled with what I believed was -and some little part of me still does-his betrayal of my trust in him. I watched helplessly as my world around me burned to the ground. I told my mother that he did not love us and I strongly believed it.

Isaiah 26:3 “You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you.”

I definitely was not “kept” in “perfect peace” even though I trusted that he would come through for us even though I did not know in what way. My mind, soul and heart were not in “perfect peace” on 20th October, 2020.

As I try to piece back together what is left of my broken heart, sometimes I feel him trying to give me a hug to reassure me that he’s in control, but sometimes I don’t want it. I don’t want him to give me a hug, I want him to fix everything. Fix it, and fix it now…or in the nearest future. He can literally snap his fingers or think it and it would be fixed. None of that “my time is not your time” stuff. We’ve been waiting for decades. None of that Israelites stuff of 400 years or 600 years. We don’t even get to live that long these days anyway so, when do we get the respite? And don’t tell me that “stuffs” about getting the respite not in this life, but in the afterlife and in heaven, because, so I was brought here so I could suffer? We should have kuku gone straight to the afterlife if na so so suffering someone will be suffering here.

This fight truly exhausted me and broke me inside because making up is not as easy as in the other fights.

Annoyingly, I can’t help but talk to him and tell him about my day, even though a part of me is still upset with him. And I can’t help but talk to him in the morning before I start my day and tell him how I’m hoping it would go. I can’t help but thank him when I get back home safely at night after a hard day and when I wake up to a brand new day. I can’t help but feel like he loves me. I can’t help but wonder if he’s sad or feels everything that’s going on, and I can’t help but think of him and wonder what it’s like to be him for one day.

I feel us making up and coming back together one day at a time. I’ve spoken to him in bits and pieces and I’ve spoken to him wholly. I have poured out my heart to him and I am sure millions of his children have done so too at this time.

I am hoping we get to experience some respite in this lifetime.

I am hoping we get to heal in this lifetime.




On 20th October, 2020, members of the Nigerian Armed Forces opened fire and live bullets on Nigerian peaceful protesters (protesting police brutality in Nigeria) in Lekki, Lagos, Nigeria as they sat on the ground, waving flags in the air and singing the National Anthem, leading to the death of some and injury of many peaceful protesters. This is now known as the #LekkiMassacre.

Till date, no one has been held accountable for the actions of the Nigerian Armed Forces.

We will continue to speak up and lend our voices to #EndPoliceBrutality in Nigeria.

May all the souls of the departed, the ones known and those unknown, near and far, present and past, rest in perfect peace.

We will never forget.


Taking Thoughts Captive

I think a lot.

Like, if there was an olympic sport for overthinking, the organisers would have to create a new type of medal for me, because Gold would not be appreciative enough of my abilities when I come first. Lol. In fact, When I win whatever medal they give me, I would be the flag hoisted up high (because that podium no fit do me) while a personalized national anthem would be played for me (and I would flap dramatically in the wind like a flag) because the olympic officials would marvel at how good I am at overthinking…honestly, I marvel at my imagination sometimes too.

SO while I have found that my overthinking could be a blessing in a way, in the sense that my crazy imagination can run wild and keep me company on days where I do not particularly crave human company (on such days, I laugh out loud at some of the things I think, so much that I am sure my neighbours think I am crazy) and also serves as a filter through which I can pass ideas, plans and decisions, I have found that it could be a huge problem because, well, no one wants their thoughts to run too fast that they cannot control them or keep them up at night. Plus, no one wants to remain stagnant because they are constantly over-analyzing, overthinking and not taking any action.

Overthinking and Over-analyzing

If you are like me and you suffer from overthinkingporosis, then you know that while sometimes, you could take pride in your ability to analyse situations to the point where you take the right decisions, you could also be subject to analysis paralysis where you find yourself analysing situations, decisions and plans to the point where you are stagnant and cannot make a move.

For me, I am learning to have a find a healthy balance with my thoughts and in analysing situations so that I do not find myself in a rut where I can neither go forward or backward. I am therefore attempting to take risks, take decisions, try new things out to see how they go first instead of overthinking and analysing.

“Do not let perfect be the enemy of good. Do not let good be the enemy of done.”


The thing with overthinking is that when you think alot, you are automatically more subject to an infestation of negative thoughts in your mind than the average thinker. These Automated Negative Thoughts (or ANTs as they are often called) always have a way of silently creeping up and invading your mind to the point where all that you think and are consumed by are negative thoughts.

“ANTs are cynical, gloomy, and complaining thoughts that just seem to keep coming all by themselves.
ANTs can cause people to be depressed and fatalistic, which have a profound impact on their lives. “I know I won’t pass that test on Tuesday.” This kind of thinking makes for a self-fulfilling prophecy: if they’ve already convinced themselves they won’t pass, they won’t study very hard and they won’t pass the test.

This type of thinking severely limits a person’s ability to enjoy his or her life because how one thinks on a moment-to-moment basis plays a large role in how one feels and how one conducts one’s affairs. If you are depressed all the time, you don’t expect good things to happen so you don’t try very hard to make them happen. The internal distress from melancholy thinking can make you behave in ways that alienate others, thus causing you to isolate yourself further.

On the other hand, positive thoughts and a positive attitude will help you radiate a sense of well being, making it easier for others to connect with you. Positive thoughts will also help you be more effective in your life. So, as you can see, what goes on in your mind all day long can determine whether your behavior is self-defeating or self-promoting.”

~Daniel G. Amen, MD

To get rid of these ANTs when they creep up, the first step is to identify that they are negative thoughts and that they are false. Once you have done that, you can then replace them with positive ones, the truth. The danger, however, is where you find yourself believing these negative thoughts as the truth. But, they are not true!

Some of the most common “species” of ANTs are:

  1. “Always” thinking: thinking in words like always, never, no one, every one, every time, everything. You get something wrong one time and then you go “I always fail” or “I always get it wrong” or “No one loves me” or “Everyone hates me”.
  2. Focusing on the negative: only seeing the bad in a situation.
  3. Thinking with your feelings: believing negative feelings without ever questioning them.
  4. Guilt beatings: thinking in words like “should, must, ought or have to.”
  5. Labeling: attaching a negative label to yourself or to someone else like “stupid”, “dumb” and “failure”
  6. Personalization: innocuous events are taken to have personal meaning.
  7. Mind reading (RED ANT): believing that you know what another person is thinking, even though they haven’t told you.
  8. Fortune telling (RED ANT): predicting the worst possible outcome to a situation.
  9. Blame (RED ANT): blaming someone else for your own problems

The RED ANTS ( as the name implies) are like those ants that, when they bite, go so deep you feel it in your soul, that you begin to question your purpose in life while trying not to cry like a baby. But, these are all negative thoughts that can ruin you from the inside out if you allow yourself to continuously dwell on them.

BUT…you can regulate these thoughts. You can replace them with positive thoughts and you can get rid of them altogether! Trust me, I will be the first to admit that this is not the easiest thing in the world. In fact, it’s hard. In fact, it’s super hard, especially if you are like me and sometimes, your thoughts run too fast and before you know it, you’re already entrenched in negative thoughts. BUT it is possible to take these thoughts captive.

“You can train your thoughts to be positive and hopeful or you can just allow them to be negative and upset you. Once you learn about your thoughts, you can chose to think good thoughts and feel good or you can choose to think bad thoughts and feel lousy. That’s right, it’s up to you! You can learn how to change your thoughts and you can learn to change the way you feel.

Briefly, some ways I currently am learning to take my thoughts captive, especially negative thoughts that try to creep up are:

Repetition/Affirmations: This means consciously repeating positive words to yourself to replace the negative thoughts even though you do not feel like saying them or even if at that particular moment, you do not believe it. I have tried it and it works. Even when I am moody, I tell myself “I am happy. I am loved. I am special” I keep repeating same. In crisis situations, I go “I am calm, I am calm” and over time, you find that it sticks and.. this has been proven by science, your brain releases chemicals that make you believe these words and replace negative thoughts with positive ones.

So when a negative thought pops up, I try (and I have been tryyyinnnngggg…it is tough, but I made a decision to at least, try) to counter it with a positive one. I set it up against the truth; against God’s truth. And sometimes, I ask myself “this thing I am saying about myself, is it true?” “Is this what God thinks about me?” “Does God really see me as a failure, or as dumb, or as stupid?”

We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.” ~ 2 Corinthians 10:5 New International Version (NIV)

When faced with seemingly difficult tasks, I remind myself of previous tasks that I have overcome. I tell myself “I can do it” , “I can do it” even though I am shaking on the inside from fear or my heart is beating wildly. I tell myself “I can do all things”. Granted, sometimes, it is easier said than done, but hey, how would you know unless you tried? You say it over and over again until you believe it.

“I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength”

~Phil 4:13

One way to learn how to change your thoughts is to notice them when they are negative and talk back to them. If you can correct negative thoughts, you take away their power over you. When you just think a negative thought without challenging it, your mind believes it and your body reacts to it.”

~Daniel G. Amen, MD

Practicing gratitude: By doing this, you remind your self daily and with each moment of all your blessings; things you have that you take for granted, yet people would give anything to have. You remind yourself of the ways that God has come through for you in tough situations. You practice gratitude and you list out the things you are thankful for and you find that you feel better about what lies ahead.

Go easy on yourself : I talk about this a lot on my Instagram because I know that I am quite hard on myself. No, full disclosure, I can be really really hard on myself. I have been told by some very few people close to me and I am now consciously making an effort to go easy on myself and give myself some credit.

If you are your own worst critic, remember to relax and go easy on yourself. You did not come this far by accident, so you must be doing something right. And if you’re reading this thinking “But I haven’t even come far and have nothing going good for me right now” then re-read the point above.

Only the living can complain about how bad things are going.

Just go for it

If you are currently plagued with analysis paralysis and/or overthinking a decision you are about to take and have stalled for the longest moment, hesitate no longer! Just go for it! you can do it! You know those negative thoughts you are currently having about failure right now? The negative what-ifs? They would most likely not come to pass. BUT HOW WOULD YOU KNOW UNLESS YOU GO FOR IT?

I do not know who needed to read this today, but remember that once you start replacing negative thoughts with positive thoughts, you will start having positive results. If you realized how powerful your thoughts are, you would never think a negative thought.

Change your thoughts, change your world.

“The soul becomes dyed with the colour of its thoughts.”― Marcus Aurelius